More Than A TESTIMONIAL
Stories of Women Who Have Sought Out and Found Change
I saw a shirt on a FB ad…maybe you’ve seen a similar one. The t shirt has printed on the front: “Made in 59. 60 years of AWESOMENESS!”
Last year, 2019, I bought the t-shirt since, yes, I turned 60. And as much as I never ever would have put that shirt on say when I was 20, 30 or even 40, I totally now do embrace my AWESOMENESS, lines, wrinkles, chubby parts, lean and muscular parts (they’re here somewhere!!!), career position—semi retired and actively working! (?), family, social and most definitely spiritual. Yup, it’s all here, wrapped in a 5ft 4 1/2” usually brunette with some blonde streaks, until the grey peeks through energy bundle called Doris!
The awakening to my awesomeness is certainly something that can be interpreted as being quite narcissistic. Or….as I’ve learned, I’ve come to be eternally grateful for being, for waking up every day, on the right side of the sod as some people quip, in which case, I DO consider myself awesome and because of that, I am more than happy to continue to do my part in this world, being the best I can be for myself and those around me.
This has NOT always been the case and I have battled some pretty deep demons on my way here. Awakening, awareness, gratitude were not very evident in my life until I decided to make a very specific change. That change did not occur over night either, but it has been my blessing and it gives me the excitement of knowing that I AM IN CHARGE! My choices are exactly that! Mine. Choices to be made by ME!!! My decisions MATTER. Not only do they matter, I’ve discovered, they actually shape my life and give me the life I desire. Not someone else’s version….MINE. Even though I didn’t consciously think the words, my decision was that I was no longer going to be a victim—of circumstance, of a boyfriend, of my kids, of my work…
The actual decision I came to was this: without going into the details other than the fact that I was pretty much at the lowest point of my life, I decided that I was totally okay with being where I was—at that point, completely alone, in my silence at 11:59 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, 2008. As midnight chimed in, I vowed, that no matter what, if everything else in this world ceased, I was still okay with ME. I would learn to like, okay, maybe even love, me.
This “awakening” was exactly that. But unlike a complete eureka moment where everything miraculously settles into its perfect place, the process (and it is a process!) is most definitely a step by step, small decisions, incremental changes and is ongoing because I know I am continuously becoming and am capable of more! And not in the unsatisfied, pressuring myself to be, do and have more, but rather in the excited, child wonder of oh wow, I can be do and have more!!
I can honestly look at my life and with reflection, notice, understand and see that I am always getting better! I still have setbacks, and even falter, but I continue to be more understanding that truly, life is to be lived with awareness, adventure, joy, love, compassion and chutzpah—that’s where my impulsiveness, impatience, and some of my “gee I should have done that a little differently!” lie.
It is the moment by moments. The slow and steady progression, sometimes referred to as the Compound Effect. The layering of small decisions that manifest into a really nice and bigger outcome!
I now believe that this initiation into my search for becoming more aware of who I was, what life was really holding for me, was the forerunner to what was to take place in my life. A pinnacle moment. Much of my being able to “practice” what I had been studying, took place rather recently as I was diagnosed with a lymphoma in February of 2017.
I had a “feeling” something was “off” from many months before I was diagnosed. I started to experience about 2 dozen bouts a day of 15 second “sweats” no real flashes of any sort…just little bursts of warm energy erupting through my pores….But my general practitioner doctor had just retired and I hadn’t bothered to get a new GP….AND of course, with my age, I figured it must be menopause….
As time progressed, I now noticed a small growing lump in the bottom left side of my abdomen which prompted me to seek medical attention not one but 3 times….each time each doctor suggesting it was nothing, I had a pretty lean abdomen, what was I worrying about….but I knew something was not right.
It was as if my body decided to help me help the doctors figure this out….all of a sudden my lump started growing. Within 3 months it had gone from barely noticeable (except to me) to a size that could definitely not be denied: 14cm x 12cm x 8cm (to be exact!). It was as if my body was now screaming to be heard, and it was.
I was diagnosed (finally) and quickly prescribed an aggressive number of chemo treatments for my lymphoma. The doctor at the cancer research hospital was definitely the most knowledgeable doctor I could ask for who knew of my condition.
And my new “days” began. As did the opportunity to put my “awareness stuff” into overdrive.
I had already been committed to a fairly active lifestyle. I was training under the guidance of a physio therapist, Tiana and it was actually her awareness that suggested I get the abdominal “lump” a first, second and third opinion.
My nutrition plan, though not perfect was at about 70% -75% healthy. Obviously, there was room for improvement.
One thing was certain, my body was definitely looking for some better attention from its owner and this was my wake up call to do something more. And I did.
I totally immersed myself in re evaluating my thoughts, my direction, my goals in life. The saying “As a Man Thinketh In His Heart So He Shall Be”, I realized, carried my answers.
Have you ever taken the time to examine what you say to yourself in a day? Have you ever examined who and what we give “authority” to in our lives? Have you ever taken your beliefs apart and wondered why you accept and believe what you do?
I decided to take full responsibility for where I was at in my life. No blame. Not even on me. Just taking a really good look at where I was, taking inventory, being grateful for everything I had and moving forward from exactly where I was. What other option did I have? What other option do we ever have? We can only start from where we are.
I fine tuned, tweaked, sought out, tossed out and altered many things along the way. For the most part though, it was adjusting and fine tuning ME!!
I quite literally breezed through my chemo, working out sometimes before and then the next day right after treatments. My life, fortunately enough, was not disrupted because I made it a vow to myself that I would just treat every single day as a new day. Off to the hospital to be hooked up to a 6 hour drip line—normal—go get a workout in. A bit of nausea to deal with—CBD oil—normal—go relax in the sunshine for half an hour and read a book.
I was NO superhero except that I began to honour ME a lot more in my quest to just BE. In the middle of my treatments I went on a Florida trip with my daughter. It was a quick getaway but we worked out every single day then of course got our rest on the beach! My chemo that year was punctuated with more concerts than I have ever seen in one year. I worked (I’m a financial advisor—talk about a great seguay as you speak to your clients about properly planning for the unpredictable!).
I tended my massive garden (my ahhhh place) and took care of my elderly mom as much as possible. That was funny. She could never remember that I was “not well”. Sometimes when she would call and ask where I was, I had to say I was going to or at the hospital and she would ALWAYS ask why. I would remind her I had a lymphoma I was dealing with . The conversation was the same EVERY TIME. “A lymphoma? What’s that?” It was as if she could not reconcile ME with an illness. I think about that sometimes and I wonder if there’s some power in that!
I’m on the other side of all that but really, I am continuing to BE more and more “awesome” I think because I am more committed to being who I want to be. 60 is actually a great time to continue to evolve, change, try new things and continue to improve, learn, question, find answers.
I am grateful for having had the cancer experience. I met fabulous people, practitioners, researchers, patients, (patience! I met a LOT OF patience!!!!)
It was the most eye opening experience and I can honestly say it was the doorway to my “I opening” experience which continues.
Honour yourself. Take time for you. Guard your thoughts. Think of your thoughts as the garden of your life. Plant some great seeds in that garden and nurture!
Think only the best of yourself and honour yourself by acting on those best thoughts. Step by step. It all comes together. Enjoy the journey. BELIEVE you can do what you desire! Learn to IMAGINE the BEST you possible. TRUST that that vision is being achieved. BELIEVE! (Or rather BE-LIVE!!). Then BE in and through your actions, the best you you have imagined. Believe. Imagine. Trust. BE….AWESOME!